I feel like the strict parent but I also feel like I end up appearing to be the lenient parent. I feel like all I do is say "no" and "not now" and "it's time to find a stopping point in this game" and "we need to leave for school now" and basically hold the line on all these non-negotiable things, and then there are these little moments where the end result of me saying YES will be something that does not actively make my own life catastrophically worse, and so I say yes! And then my partner is like, "the 6-year old got ANOTHER toy sword?" "you guys got ice cream AGAIN?" He, for what it's worth, absolutely is far more lenient than I am when he actually is the one doing the parenting for a day, but that doesn't stop him from thinking he'd be stricter than me. I think it's hard for people, even non-default parents sometimes, to really comprehend just how much you can say no and still have it feel like you are giving them every little thing they beg for.
I once read something by this person who basically wrote, of her children, "can't we just let them win once in a while?" and I feel kind of the same. Surely they can be permitted to grab little moments of fleeting joy, even if whatever the thing is - more dessert than dinner, a late bedtime, a little stress ball from the "fun aisle" of the pharmacy while picking up a prescription - isn't objectively "the best thing" for them (or me) overall.
Something else I once read, and always remember, is basically, like, not to hold my kids to a higher standard than I hold myself. Some days I, too, want to just come home and watch TV and take a break. Some days I, too, just want to have McDonald's for dinner, and even only eat the fries. And I do these things, sometimes! And I'm fine! How awful would it be if someone were there being like, "I don't care if you had a stressful day at work and then got in a fight with your friend and then got fell in a puddle on the walk home and cried the whole rest of the way, it isn't screen time!" My kid asked me the other day what mercy is, and I tried to explain it, and that isn't what I am quite talking about here because (as I tried to explain to him) mercy has the connotation of punishment being avoided; but what I mean, kind of, is grace, like the religious kind although I don't mean it in a religious way. Being given something you didn't earn, regardless of what you "deserve."
Everything in moderation, even moderation - that's my goal for what I hope to teach my kids.
This last thing you mention -- about not holding them to a higher standard than you hold yourself resonates so much. My friend (who is an elementary school teacher) once reframed it as -- think about how often you treat yourself for literally no reason throughout the day, with coffee, or a snack, or so many other little ways. Kids have no way to "treat themselves" -- they have to ask permission every time and the sheer fact of this lack of autonomy is deeply unequal.
I'm often the lenient parent and I feel a lot of shame around that. I try to hold the line, but it's hard to be firm all the time. My son is almost five, and we're struggling with getting him to walk to school the whole way, and I often end up carrying him for a stretch for the walk. I'm conflicted about it, since I know he should walk the whole way, but we're often in a rush and carrying him for a block or two saves time. And hopefully gives him some relief and comfort before the school day begins. I really liked what Ally wrote in the comments about letting our kids 'win once in awhile.' I give myself a lot of small joys throughout the day and I hope my son will too, and that he will understand that life is not just a joyless slog, and that we can find simple pleasures when we can while not over-doing it.
I def also go through my phases of going in and out of -- we need way more structure/discipline/a hard line and then trying to be the "yes" parent. So much is also driven by how regulated the kids are and where the kids are at emotionally at any given moment...
I feel like the strict parent but I also feel like I end up appearing to be the lenient parent. I feel like all I do is say "no" and "not now" and "it's time to find a stopping point in this game" and "we need to leave for school now" and basically hold the line on all these non-negotiable things, and then there are these little moments where the end result of me saying YES will be something that does not actively make my own life catastrophically worse, and so I say yes! And then my partner is like, "the 6-year old got ANOTHER toy sword?" "you guys got ice cream AGAIN?" He, for what it's worth, absolutely is far more lenient than I am when he actually is the one doing the parenting for a day, but that doesn't stop him from thinking he'd be stricter than me. I think it's hard for people, even non-default parents sometimes, to really comprehend just how much you can say no and still have it feel like you are giving them every little thing they beg for.
I once read something by this person who basically wrote, of her children, "can't we just let them win once in a while?" and I feel kind of the same. Surely they can be permitted to grab little moments of fleeting joy, even if whatever the thing is - more dessert than dinner, a late bedtime, a little stress ball from the "fun aisle" of the pharmacy while picking up a prescription - isn't objectively "the best thing" for them (or me) overall.
Something else I once read, and always remember, is basically, like, not to hold my kids to a higher standard than I hold myself. Some days I, too, want to just come home and watch TV and take a break. Some days I, too, just want to have McDonald's for dinner, and even only eat the fries. And I do these things, sometimes! And I'm fine! How awful would it be if someone were there being like, "I don't care if you had a stressful day at work and then got in a fight with your friend and then got fell in a puddle on the walk home and cried the whole rest of the way, it isn't screen time!" My kid asked me the other day what mercy is, and I tried to explain it, and that isn't what I am quite talking about here because (as I tried to explain to him) mercy has the connotation of punishment being avoided; but what I mean, kind of, is grace, like the religious kind although I don't mean it in a religious way. Being given something you didn't earn, regardless of what you "deserve."
Everything in moderation, even moderation - that's my goal for what I hope to teach my kids.
This last thing you mention -- about not holding them to a higher standard than you hold yourself resonates so much. My friend (who is an elementary school teacher) once reframed it as -- think about how often you treat yourself for literally no reason throughout the day, with coffee, or a snack, or so many other little ways. Kids have no way to "treat themselves" -- they have to ask permission every time and the sheer fact of this lack of autonomy is deeply unequal.
I'm often the lenient parent and I feel a lot of shame around that. I try to hold the line, but it's hard to be firm all the time. My son is almost five, and we're struggling with getting him to walk to school the whole way, and I often end up carrying him for a stretch for the walk. I'm conflicted about it, since I know he should walk the whole way, but we're often in a rush and carrying him for a block or two saves time. And hopefully gives him some relief and comfort before the school day begins. I really liked what Ally wrote in the comments about letting our kids 'win once in awhile.' I give myself a lot of small joys throughout the day and I hope my son will too, and that he will understand that life is not just a joyless slog, and that we can find simple pleasures when we can while not over-doing it.
I def also go through my phases of going in and out of -- we need way more structure/discipline/a hard line and then trying to be the "yes" parent. So much is also driven by how regulated the kids are and where the kids are at emotionally at any given moment...