There’s a scene in The Berenstain Bears Get the Gimmies, where Brother and Sister bear are in the candy aisle throwing a massive tantrum. Mother Bear goes to tamp down on their candy dreams, and Papa Bear patronizingly steps in and gives the kids what they want.
Papa Bear soon learns, of course, that giving into his kids’ egregious behavior does not satiate their desires, and they will continue asking for more things, ad nauseam. Eventually, the grandparents show up and impart their aged wisdom, which is that you need to establish the boundaries before you get to the candy aisle, else you will breed monsters who will forever have the “gimmies.”
In the efficient moralizing of a Berenstain Bears book, this tactic works like a charm the very first time, and the children walk away with their single pre-agreed upon treat the next time they’re at the store, with the added trophy of feeling like they’ve achieved some new moral high ground.
As a character, Papa Bear is borderline deplorable—mansplain-y, righteous, undermining, and smug—and Mother Bear is downright resentful of the schlub she’s married to who is getting housed by his children. While I think the particular portrayal here is very dated and gendered, it’s also pretty common (i.e. exists in every two-parent household I know) where one parent in the duo is more lenient to the tantrums and the begging than the other.
In my household—it may surprise you to learn—I am the “papa bear,” which is to say: I’m much more likely to give into pleading and whining, defer to straight bribery, or get the kids an ice cream cone on the way home from school at 5:30 p.m. on a random Tuesday because it seems harder to say no in that moment than muster the actual fortitude to make any day the first day in which I’m going to actually hold my line. I’m more likely to stay up reading way past bedtime and then inadvertently fall asleep in the top bunk. I’m more likely to let the kids have dessert even when they didn’t finish their carrots, and to let the kids bring home miscellaneous sand-covered rocks and shells from the beach, despite the mess.
If you are a “mama bear,” this is perhaps infuriating to you, because the good of holding the line seems so obvious. It seems better for the long-term benefit of the whole family, it’s better for not eating too much junk or accruing random objects in the home. It’s better on the wallet, on the psyche, and your children’s sense of expectation and routine. It’s also more straightforward to agree on a methodology, or a line every time, and just hold it, unwaveringly.
That said, while this may work for some, I will admit that I don’t totally abide to this logic. I find a deep joy in saying yes, in not policing behavior, in assuming the child will eventually figure out how to act in their best interests, and that there’s some middle ground between “papa bear” and “mama bear” that’s less fueled by an attitude of feeling the other parent’s approach is either too restrictive, too lenient, or incompetent. These roles are often expertly pitted against each other by very intuitive children, who understand that positioning one parent or the other as “nice” or “mean,” can also explode the entire situation (in their favor). They are masters of detecting who has power and who is vulnerable, and what they can’t articulate in words, they express in behaviors, which makes the entire dynamic deceptively complex.
When I ask my kids what they think of Brother and Sister Bear’s tantrum-y, candy-begging behavior, they can recognize the challenge of parenting this situation. “I think I sometimes get the gimmies, but am also reasonable….like 80%….I mean, 90% of the time,” says Ada, pretty honestly. “I think I get the gimmies, but I don’t like how it feels,” says Julian, characteristically more in touch with his feelings. “But you and papa are actually kind of pretty nice and reasonable,” adds Ada with the reassurance of someone stuttering through her compliments. She looks to Julian for backup, who then looks to me. “You are,” says Julian, affirming his sister. And I believe them.
I am curious: Are you the strict parent or lenient parent? How do you balance approaches?
Recommendations quick hits:
To read: The Berenstain Bears conspiracy / controversy that broke the internet in 2018. (I nostalgically got a dozen Berenstain Bears on eBay, where you can find tons of good, used condition copies).
To make: This strawberry olive oil snacking cake in Bon Appetit is A+. No need to be that organized about the arrangement of your strawberries. I subbed in 1/2 cup of almond flour for the regular, and mixed in some frozen raspberries on top.
To wear: The Quince Mongolian Shrunken Cashmere sweater is… perfect. No complaints, no comments.
To read: Stop Micromanaging Halloween—Let Your Kids Be Free by Jessica Grose [NYT Opinion]
To read: Lewis interviewed me about my career, parenting, favorite gifts to give, POV on screentime, and more.
The kids are reading:
Julian is obsessed with books any and all books illustrated by Andy J. Pizza. These include: A Pizza with Everything On It (written by Kyle Scheele), and Invisible Things (written by Sophie Miller). He also has a lot of fun merch on his Etsy shop.
Ada and I are somehow simultaneously reading Harry Potter and A Series of Unfortunate Events. So, it’s unlikely we’ll be reading anything else for at least another year. LOL.
To visit: The Noguchi Museum, the greatest and most peaceful sanctuary in all of NYC
Where I want to visit: Jacob Hashimoto’s exhibition, The Disappointment Engine, at the Miles McEnergy Gallery in Chelsea in NYC
We have two consecutive weekends of throwing birthday parties for our children, with Halloween in between, so pray for my sanity and please send us unusually good-weather fall days.
I feel like the strict parent but I also feel like I end up appearing to be the lenient parent. I feel like all I do is say "no" and "not now" and "it's time to find a stopping point in this game" and "we need to leave for school now" and basically hold the line on all these non-negotiable things, and then there are these little moments where the end result of me saying YES will be something that does not actively make my own life catastrophically worse, and so I say yes! And then my partner is like, "the 6-year old got ANOTHER toy sword?" "you guys got ice cream AGAIN?" He, for what it's worth, absolutely is far more lenient than I am when he actually is the one doing the parenting for a day, but that doesn't stop him from thinking he'd be stricter than me. I think it's hard for people, even non-default parents sometimes, to really comprehend just how much you can say no and still have it feel like you are giving them every little thing they beg for.
I once read something by this person who basically wrote, of her children, "can't we just let them win once in a while?" and I feel kind of the same. Surely they can be permitted to grab little moments of fleeting joy, even if whatever the thing is - more dessert than dinner, a late bedtime, a little stress ball from the "fun aisle" of the pharmacy while picking up a prescription - isn't objectively "the best thing" for them (or me) overall.
Something else I once read, and always remember, is basically, like, not to hold my kids to a higher standard than I hold myself. Some days I, too, want to just come home and watch TV and take a break. Some days I, too, just want to have McDonald's for dinner, and even only eat the fries. And I do these things, sometimes! And I'm fine! How awful would it be if someone were there being like, "I don't care if you had a stressful day at work and then got in a fight with your friend and then got fell in a puddle on the walk home and cried the whole rest of the way, it isn't screen time!" My kid asked me the other day what mercy is, and I tried to explain it, and that isn't what I am quite talking about here because (as I tried to explain to him) mercy has the connotation of punishment being avoided; but what I mean, kind of, is grace, like the religious kind although I don't mean it in a religious way. Being given something you didn't earn, regardless of what you "deserve."
Everything in moderation, even moderation - that's my goal for what I hope to teach my kids.
I'm often the lenient parent and I feel a lot of shame around that. I try to hold the line, but it's hard to be firm all the time. My son is almost five, and we're struggling with getting him to walk to school the whole way, and I often end up carrying him for a stretch for the walk. I'm conflicted about it, since I know he should walk the whole way, but we're often in a rush and carrying him for a block or two saves time. And hopefully gives him some relief and comfort before the school day begins. I really liked what Ally wrote in the comments about letting our kids 'win once in awhile.' I give myself a lot of small joys throughout the day and I hope my son will too, and that he will understand that life is not just a joyless slog, and that we can find simple pleasures when we can while not over-doing it.