Parent of older teens/young adults here. You know what’s making our kids anxious and depressed? Climate change. Gun violence. Systemic inequality. Being dismissed as whiny self-absorbed brats when they organize on their campuses to protest state-funded violence and genocide. Having two bumbling old white men, one of them a treasonous pathological liar, as our presidential candidates. Not that technology and social media play no part in their/our mental health. Of course they do. We’re all exposed 24/7 to a constant barrage of bad news. It’s easy to question one’s own life choices when we are continually exposed to unrealistically shiny and curated versions of other people’s lives. But my God, these kids feel like they’re growing up into a world that is already doomed, and it’s easy for them to feel powerless about it. If that’s not a recipe for poor mental health, I don’t know what is. One of the things I most love and admire about my own kids is that they are clear-eyed about the horrible realities of our world… and they continue nevertheless to make art, to seek learning, to choose career and school trajectories that are focused on creating a better world. They are also smarter about tech usage than my middle-aged peers. They understand that they’re being marketed to and sold a shallow and unrealistic view of the world. They also have better phone etiquette than older generations. When a phone ring tone loudly interrupts a theater production or church service, you can be sure that phone belongs to someone over the age of 40. I’m so tired of technology and the kids’ use of technology getting blamed for everything when it’s really the same old capitalist, individualistic, racist, misogynist, violent societal norms that are the real culprits and that should be the focus of our reforms.
gawdddddd yes to all of this! His work reads like the relationship advice that capitalizes Love every time and turns out to have a secret (usually religious) agenda - it's very secret conservative, I think, especially when it's gesturing at the "void" at the heart of people/kids nowadays
I haven’t read his book but nobody can deny it has sparked conversation. Lots of writing can and does and to the benefit of the author. On a surface level, I am overjoyed that it’s freaking people out and making some people angry. The guilt I could do without but that’s part of what makes it “sexy”. I’m really conflicted on the matter of screens and kids because I agree that it’s elitist to proclaim that no one should give their kids screens, but then I see 14 month olds given their parents’ phones at a playground. I’m very much 🤷♀️ about a lot of the discourse.
I’m def not anti screen! I just think it serves diff purposes at diff stages both for the kids and parents. Like we have never given our kids a device at a restaurant but I know a lot of fams that do. Am I going to start? No. But I think this bears little on what it means for them to use phones as teens.
I came here from Anne Helen Peterson and this is the first thing of yours I've read. Thank you for a balanced and thought-provoking piece! Although phones, etc. may change by the time your kids are teens (I'm not sure how old they are exactly), I think not giving them devices at restaurants is probably extremely influential on how they will use phones as teens. It's kind of a "how we use/do something is how we use/do everything" line of thinking...if you are cultivating an environment where your family doesn't use devices at the table, you are cultivating something a lot wider than what's happening in only that scenario. Or maybe that's just what I have to tell myself as my husband and I do the hard work of parenting kids aged 10, 12, and 14.
Loved this essay and I think it puts it all in context so well. I am like you, I agree with all your pros and cons. I'm acutely aware of the privilege I have to lower the amount of screen time in my kids childhoods. I am relieved that this book means that there is a chance that my cohort of parents/kids (ages 6 and 8) might not rush as fast to smartphones. I grew up in a household that did a lot of things that were not "the norm" but especially around TV. I am grateful for that but at the time I think my mom felt pretty isolated (although confident in her convictions). I also have a husband who grew up in the completely opposite environment and guess what, we are both good humans!
I’m fully with you on there being multiple ways to arrive at the same outcome. Also feel like this book lacks diving into how different kids’ personalities can be and their ability to regulate around screens is very different. This is very much like — for girls it’s more like this, and for boys it’s more like that…which falls under my issue with the level of generalizations being made.
Yes totally agree. And while my husband grew up with a lot more TV obviously our childhoods didn't have technology as portable or with the internet. So we are all forging new paths. Sometimes I think that is what makes us look so quickly for a scapegoat, we are all stressed about doing it right/wrong.
"I am also inherently skeptical of anyone who lands on a fairly monocausal explanation for an entire generation’s mental health crisis." Very well said. I do think this book raises good points, but it lacks the nuance to handle the conversation correctly. What I really want to know is... Are we really seeing more mental health issues with younger generations? Or is it more that we're starting to notice it because we're better educated about it? I do imagine it's a mix of both, but my point is that it's not nearly as simple of an issue as we pretend it is.
Thank you for this. I haven't read the book, but I've been meaning to. And I plan to before my son starts middle school in NYC this fall, to which he will be taking a public bus and because of which I need to get him a device of some kind. But I needed to be alerted to this lack of nuance/appreciation for social and economic factors to help me not panic as I read it!
Why do you need to get your son a device because he is taking the bus? How will the device keep him safer than showing/teaching him how to talk to the bus driver/other adults he will encounter who could help him in an emergency? Giving my son a device so I could track him across the city would make ME more anxious because I could technically see where he is but I can't actually do anything about it.
This is an interesting point. I have two kids not yet old enough to go anywhere alone, so I can’t speak to that, but the idea that all kids have devices now so they can be tracked/surveilled at all times is very different from how we grew up and I wonder what the cause and effect of that is?
Research seems to say tracking your kids is not a good idea. Devorah Heitner has some things to say about it in an Atlantic article and a book called Growing Up in Public. We have been fed the idea that the world is so much more dangerous than it was when we were kids and that's just not true. We hear more about dangerous things happening but the odds of something happening to your kid that a tracking device could prevent are pretty low
I grew up with unstructured play in the 70's/80's (and somehow didn't get kidnapped) but I was nonetheless prey to the distortions of fashion magazines and TV dramas/commercials that left me anxious that my face, body and character were never good enough. I am still working through those issues now in my 50s.
My mother was depressed, detached and angry, and dad was never around - so the free range wasn't the panacea, since so many other factors matter. My parents didn't oversea the social milieu of our play, leading to an absence of intervention when it came to bullying and even sexual inappropriateness as we
grew up. So whats best? Obviously the "answer" is somewhere in the middle, nuanced incredibly by so many factors. Thank you for your review of this popular book. One of my more influential friends has been recommending it, so it's good to get some balanced input.
Parent of older teens/young adults here. You know what’s making our kids anxious and depressed? Climate change. Gun violence. Systemic inequality. Being dismissed as whiny self-absorbed brats when they organize on their campuses to protest state-funded violence and genocide. Having two bumbling old white men, one of them a treasonous pathological liar, as our presidential candidates. Not that technology and social media play no part in their/our mental health. Of course they do. We’re all exposed 24/7 to a constant barrage of bad news. It’s easy to question one’s own life choices when we are continually exposed to unrealistically shiny and curated versions of other people’s lives. But my God, these kids feel like they’re growing up into a world that is already doomed, and it’s easy for them to feel powerless about it. If that’s not a recipe for poor mental health, I don’t know what is. One of the things I most love and admire about my own kids is that they are clear-eyed about the horrible realities of our world… and they continue nevertheless to make art, to seek learning, to choose career and school trajectories that are focused on creating a better world. They are also smarter about tech usage than my middle-aged peers. They understand that they’re being marketed to and sold a shallow and unrealistic view of the world. They also have better phone etiquette than older generations. When a phone ring tone loudly interrupts a theater production or church service, you can be sure that phone belongs to someone over the age of 40. I’m so tired of technology and the kids’ use of technology getting blamed for everything when it’s really the same old capitalist, individualistic, racist, misogynist, violent societal norms that are the real culprits and that should be the focus of our reforms.
gawdddddd yes to all of this! His work reads like the relationship advice that capitalizes Love every time and turns out to have a secret (usually religious) agenda - it's very secret conservative, I think, especially when it's gesturing at the "void" at the heart of people/kids nowadays
The "god-shaped hole" omg omg
Absolutely spot on! His work definitely has a hidden agenda that seems to push a conservative viewpoint.
I haven’t read his book but nobody can deny it has sparked conversation. Lots of writing can and does and to the benefit of the author. On a surface level, I am overjoyed that it’s freaking people out and making some people angry. The guilt I could do without but that’s part of what makes it “sexy”. I’m really conflicted on the matter of screens and kids because I agree that it’s elitist to proclaim that no one should give their kids screens, but then I see 14 month olds given their parents’ phones at a playground. I’m very much 🤷♀️ about a lot of the discourse.
I’m def not anti screen! I just think it serves diff purposes at diff stages both for the kids and parents. Like we have never given our kids a device at a restaurant but I know a lot of fams that do. Am I going to start? No. But I think this bears little on what it means for them to use phones as teens.
I came here from Anne Helen Peterson and this is the first thing of yours I've read. Thank you for a balanced and thought-provoking piece! Although phones, etc. may change by the time your kids are teens (I'm not sure how old they are exactly), I think not giving them devices at restaurants is probably extremely influential on how they will use phones as teens. It's kind of a "how we use/do something is how we use/do everything" line of thinking...if you are cultivating an environment where your family doesn't use devices at the table, you are cultivating something a lot wider than what's happening in only that scenario. Or maybe that's just what I have to tell myself as my husband and I do the hard work of parenting kids aged 10, 12, and 14.
Loved this essay and I think it puts it all in context so well. I am like you, I agree with all your pros and cons. I'm acutely aware of the privilege I have to lower the amount of screen time in my kids childhoods. I am relieved that this book means that there is a chance that my cohort of parents/kids (ages 6 and 8) might not rush as fast to smartphones. I grew up in a household that did a lot of things that were not "the norm" but especially around TV. I am grateful for that but at the time I think my mom felt pretty isolated (although confident in her convictions). I also have a husband who grew up in the completely opposite environment and guess what, we are both good humans!
I’m fully with you on there being multiple ways to arrive at the same outcome. Also feel like this book lacks diving into how different kids’ personalities can be and their ability to regulate around screens is very different. This is very much like — for girls it’s more like this, and for boys it’s more like that…which falls under my issue with the level of generalizations being made.
Yes totally agree. And while my husband grew up with a lot more TV obviously our childhoods didn't have technology as portable or with the internet. So we are all forging new paths. Sometimes I think that is what makes us look so quickly for a scapegoat, we are all stressed about doing it right/wrong.
It’s important to consider individual differences in children’s ability to regulate screen time. Thanks for sharing your perspective.
"I am also inherently skeptical of anyone who lands on a fairly monocausal explanation for an entire generation’s mental health crisis." Very well said. I do think this book raises good points, but it lacks the nuance to handle the conversation correctly. What I really want to know is... Are we really seeing more mental health issues with younger generations? Or is it more that we're starting to notice it because we're better educated about it? I do imagine it's a mix of both, but my point is that it's not nearly as simple of an issue as we pretend it is.
Thank you for this. I haven't read the book, but I've been meaning to. And I plan to before my son starts middle school in NYC this fall, to which he will be taking a public bus and because of which I need to get him a device of some kind. But I needed to be alerted to this lack of nuance/appreciation for social and economic factors to help me not panic as I read it!
Why do you need to get your son a device because he is taking the bus? How will the device keep him safer than showing/teaching him how to talk to the bus driver/other adults he will encounter who could help him in an emergency? Giving my son a device so I could track him across the city would make ME more anxious because I could technically see where he is but I can't actually do anything about it.
This is an interesting point. I have two kids not yet old enough to go anywhere alone, so I can’t speak to that, but the idea that all kids have devices now so they can be tracked/surveilled at all times is very different from how we grew up and I wonder what the cause and effect of that is?
Research seems to say tracking your kids is not a good idea. Devorah Heitner has some things to say about it in an Atlantic article and a book called Growing Up in Public. We have been fed the idea that the world is so much more dangerous than it was when we were kids and that's just not true. We hear more about dangerous things happening but the odds of something happening to your kid that a tracking device could prevent are pretty low
this is such a good analysis. great work, Youngna!
I grew up with unstructured play in the 70's/80's (and somehow didn't get kidnapped) but I was nonetheless prey to the distortions of fashion magazines and TV dramas/commercials that left me anxious that my face, body and character were never good enough. I am still working through those issues now in my 50s.
My mother was depressed, detached and angry, and dad was never around - so the free range wasn't the panacea, since so many other factors matter. My parents didn't oversea the social milieu of our play, leading to an absence of intervention when it came to bullying and even sexual inappropriateness as we
grew up. So whats best? Obviously the "answer" is somewhere in the middle, nuanced incredibly by so many factors. Thank you for your review of this popular book. One of my more influential friends has been recommending it, so it's good to get some balanced input.
Excellent critique. Except I am concerned that tv did indeed rot my brain in the 90s and 00s