There’s no more hotly anticipated piece of literature in our house than the Amazon Holiday Catalog, which always arrives just about now — in October — when it’s about to be Julian’s birthday (in 2 weeks) and then Ada’s birthday (in 5 weeks). They sit with sharpies, circling objects like a Tamagotchi or the Elmer’s Gue Glassy Clear Deluxe Slime Bucket, a literal giant bucket of glue and packs of glitter, which is every parent’s worst nightmare.
My best attempt at deferring the degree to which they are salivating over stuff is to require them to turn all requests into a physical list. This slows Julian’s roll because writing is quite challenging for him, and forces Ada to limit her asks generally to what fits on a piece of paper. “So if I write it down, I’ll get it?” asks Julian, eagerly, considering the size of his letters and the required effort. When the answer is still NO it is devastating, and I go into meltdown damage control.
I often think about the degrees of friction required to get stuff when I was a kid. You had to go to the mall, and then you went to Kaybee toys. At the toy store I might see something I wanted—a Nintendo game, LEGO, or something of the like. My parents would compromise and get me a pack of baseball cards. I’d have to wait a month or more until we went back to said mall, so that lust might linger but there was no way to really actualize it very quickly.
I’ve written before about how money makes my kids into monsters and how I see this as a deeply structural problem whereby consumerism and consumption have become so ubiquitous, it’s now a required life skill at a very young age to try and temper one’s desires constantly against the call to always upgrade or acquire. Consumption is often masked as an act of both independence (financial freedom), self-care (just taking care of myself by getting this thing that will help me), or wellness (buying this supplement is actually good for me), that obfuscates the narrative both for adults and kids and leads to a very slippery slope of living beyond one’s means.
I’ve thought a lot about how a parent can parent such that their kid is resistant or resilient against the effects of constantly being marketed to. Adults also struggle with this deeply, of course, which is why Instagram is such a terrific advertising platform with incredible conversion. My kids are aware that they can think of an object, ask me to search for it on Google, and then something will show up on my phone that’s either the exact likeness, or the closest thing available to purchase in the world, of that ilk. They know that you can “add it to a cart,” and that puts it one step away from your ownership, if you can just convince your parents to “be nice” and take that final step. I have to explain that when something shows up as $1.86 on SHEIN that it’s impossible for something made ethically to actually be that cheap, but my seven year old insists “it’s a very good deal for 25 pop-its.”
What they don’t know, is that they will never be satisfied. That after the Tamagotchi and the packs of Pokémon cards and the LEGO set and the slime that they desperately want, there will always be another set of very cool markers, the earrings, the stuffy, or the “hot pink Nike Air Jordans” that Julian specifically requested for his 6th birthday. (Though I do appreciate the extreme specificity of that one.) It’s also so easy to think that if I just fulfill that birthday or Christmas magic that it will all go well and I’ll make my kid’s day, but therein is the trap, where we ping-pong back and forth between wanting and resisting, trying to row through it all and get out, unscathed.
Recs for the week (grown-up edition)
To eat (North Brooklyn edition): I stayed at a hotel in W’burg last week for work, so got to eat a lot of great things:
The everything focaccia / salmon / dill cream cheese (or truly any of the bread) at Radio Bakery.
The guacamole at Oxomoco with the thickest, freshest tortilla chips. I’m underselling it but this is a great one-person meal unto itself.
The poached wontons in chili sauce and the “eight jewel rice pudding” — but really, everything, at Birds of a Feather (which is in the old Bird store, RIP)
Hair stuff: The hotel had this Le Labo Hinoki shampoo and condition and wow, it was nice. Many compliments on the smell of my hair by both Jacob and my children. One day when I’m rich… jk, jk.
To read/look at: Julia Rothman + Shaina Feinberg’s new book, How We Got By, a really beautiful series of portraits and stories about how people get through all types of hardship. Funny, touching, and all the feelings.
To listen: Zadie Smith on Talk Easy, because she’s real talk all the time, and it’s an interview where his deep research is so rewarding. Some very sharp and astute comments on the dissonance between professed liberalism and actual lifestyle, parenting, and misplaced expectations people put on her as a representative of an entire genre of multiculturalism in literature.
To Watch: The Daytrippers (feat. Stanley Tucci, Parker Posey, Liev Shreiber, etc.) is a great 90s film about a family roadtrip to figure out the truth between a mysterious love letter Eliza (Hope Davis) discovers in the midst of her seemingly idyllic marriage to Louis (Tucci).
Kids’ edition:
To visit: The adventure playground on Governor’s Island, which is just a short ferry ride away. No parents’ allowed, danger and risk abound, and adults can chill on the grass with a book and know their kids are being supervised. Actual bliss.
To visit: Haven’t been yet, but very excited about the new 81st Street Studio kids’ space at the Metropolitan Museum. Free!
To read: The long-awaited 6th Dory Fantasmagory book is out, Dory Fantasmagory: Can’t Live Without You, perfect timing to re-read this entire series with Julian.
To wear: Got this extremely soft fleece at a press event for the Finnish outerwear brand, Reima, yesterday, and Ada is obsessssssssed. So soft. So cozy. So cute.
I’m looking for recs for cotton sweaters for fall/winter? I want like great daily wear sweaters that are also machine washable! Low maintenance living! Where are they??? See you next time.
I remember getting the Sears catalog and a few other random ones as a kid. They were like candy to me but my mom was very "we are NOT a catalog family" so I just had to dream.
Somehow my three year old has learned to say "It's too bad we dont have the money to buy all the trucks" as we are entering Target. Fine with me! We will see what happens when he realizes you can buy things from the computer.
I just bought a sweater from Pact and am excited to wear it, when it isnt 85 degrees out.
On the topic of the Amazon catalog - my kids (7 & 5) were fighting over who got to look at it first so ferociously - and there was no turn-taking option that they were amendable to - that I ended up banning it from the household & throwing it in the recycling. I thought I’d have a small mutiny on my hands after that act, but there was a park birthday party with donuts to schlep to, and the fresh air & sugar rush buoyed their spirits.
On the larger point of kids & stuff - right now we’ve been managing along okay with regular discussions of experiences vs. stuff (we’re an outdoorsy family, so lots of camping where they have very few toys available, but nonetheless have a blast), as well as a pretty strict “use your allowance or it can go on your birthday/Christmas wish list, here, I’ll take a picture to remember it” line from both parents. And we only watch media via streaming, so no ads for impressionable minds (whenever I’m in a hotel room for work travel, the ads are genuinely fascinating - especially movie trailers! - as I so rarely see them otherwise!)
But I’m sure this will all get significantly harder as they move into the preteen & teen years. Just in a lucky easy stage right now, at least for this issue.