Separate spaces
The reality of giving the kids their own rooms
Sometime between starting fifth grade and last Christmas, Ada became fixated on having her own room. The room she’d occupied with Julian, is no more than 10’ x 10’ and upon moving into the apartment back in 2021, Jacob and I spent an agonizing 7 hours in the not-yet-air-conditioned box, constructing a bunk bed in the room from a 142-page instruction book, that narrowly fit into the room by a margin of 1.5 cm.
The gymnastics of that build, along with the priming and painting of the walls, along with the later hanging of the color-changing LED lights, the construction of the wall-to-wall IKEA cabinetry unit to maximize storage space, the acquisition of the bedside caddy units and lights appropriate for reading, and adding extension cords to compensate for the room only having a single power outlet, all compounded to an investment that is both physical toil to undo, but more so, a level of emotional investment into physical space that can feel a little insurmountable to rethink.
I have often joked that I have a theory that if you don’t hang your art within the first month of living somewhere, it’s likely you’ll never hang the art at all. It’s counter to my desire to be a person who lives and understands a space before making rash furnishing and decorating decisions, but it’s also suited to my compulsion to get things done and put in a specific place, to live in rooms that feel “complete,” whatever that may mean. I subscribe to the philosophy that spaces are evolving, especially homes, and that the algorithm and era of design magazines that have primed us to believe that people move into fully “finished,” decorated and furnished homes is but a lark. Most people, obviously, don’t have interior decorators, or the money or the wherewithal to arrive at something that feels done, but yet the dream of completion persists.
My sense that the kids’ room was done, and thus didn’t need to be un-done or re-done, create a blockage in moving forward. When it comes to the room of the burgeoning tween, one must also consider how current desires will compete with those of the future teen self.
We told her that we would think about separate rooms, the parental expression for not having the bandwidth to make a decision at the present moment. She, naturally, found this deeply unsatisfying, desperate for privacy and a truer expression of taste, and took it upon herself to start pinterest-ing concepts and making her own room decor at the art table and announcing that it would then be featured in her future room.
Themes for the future room included: New York City, under the sea, rainforest, neon, and pasta!, inspired by a giant ravioli-shaped plaster shelf she made with a pom-pom meatball. She wanted string lights shaped like jellyfish and also more practical items like a makeup vanity with lights around the mirror, but also a separate full-length mirror, a cork board, a dry erase board, and a way for people to sign in when they entered her future room.
The ideation continued through spring and I tried to repeatedly reassure her that we were indeed making motions to enable this reality. The first step was me moving out of my office, which I did, reluctantly, it being my own sanctuary in the apartment. That room is also our guest room, and contains a few pieces of furniture that would have nowhere to go, so I needed to reach my Marie Kondo moment before I said farewell.
Ada, very impatient at this point, wanted to know if we’d ordered the loft bed she desperately wanted. We’d agreed this bedroom turnover would be her elementary school graduation present, trying to convey to her both the cost and effort of such a transition. We gathered all her inputs, and when she left for camp at the beginning of July, we, at last, sprung into action.
We employed Julian to make a list of what needed to be done.
Beyond this, there was also:
Remove old nails from kids’ rooms, spackle and fix holes, then repaint
Remove bookshelf and all books from the current room
Sort books into keep and giveaway piles, then give-away the giveaways
Finding new places for all the storage bins previously under the bunk bed
Schlep the old bunk bed down to the trash
Bring a dresser in storage to Julian’s room
Move all of Julian’s clothes to new dresser, sorting them for size while migrating
Remove all the art books from the shelves in the office and find a new place for them
Take all accumulated outgrown clothes from both kids’ rooms to goodwill or Owl Tree
Find new location for all the file folders, books, and papers previously in my office
Sell my Aeron chair
Sell our day bed
Wash all the pillow cases on pillows previously in the office
The entire project was a constant state of Jenga, moving piles of things to one room to free up enough room to enable one task, then moving a mattress, books, and various personal objects back into said room in order to free up other space.
During this time, one week during which both kids were away, and a second where Julian and Jacob were on room duty and I was in Toronto, then the third, before we picked up Ada from camp, my friends would ask if I was having a good summer, and though the answer wasn’t “no,” it was just that we had taken on this massive side project, which we were now rather desperate to bring to some state of doneness.
Last Saturday, Julian and I trekked to New Jersey to pick Ada up from camp, who weeped hysterically that she didn’t wanted to leave. Julian had woken up early and brought ten of his own dollars to the deli, to get her a Milky Way and a bag of Haribo, that he announced out loud to her, that he hoped she would share with him. While her joy in seeing him was not immediately reciprocated, within 5 minutes of pulling away from camp, they were fully entwined in the back seat. Julian told her they’d been working on her room, and to “try not to be jealous but since you got a new room, I also got a new room.”
This was true, as is the fact that her room still lacks a bookshelf, and the vanity is a maybe, and there are no jellyfish lights, or pasta themes. But, she did come home and receive this new room ecstatically, in its very partial state, and immediately get to organizing her belongings on her desk. After a few minutes, she reflected,
“I do love being at camp, but I really love being at home even more.”
Well, phew.
She asked to hang a shelf that I’d found in giveaway pile in Park Slope and cleaned up for re-use, and we replaced some old pictures on the wall with another framed piece she thought better reflected her. “I want it to feel more like me, now,” she said, pinning up some photos on the cork board rather haphazardly. She climbed up into the bed, then back down, considering where she’d like to put a mirror, and perhaps put a poster. After an hour or so, of examining the space, she piled some pillows under her new desk, so she could catch up on the thousands of messages from her friends. Julian crawled up next to her, and they hung out there, playing games. I walked in to check on them, noting the prolonged quiet.
She looked up and said, “I’m taking a break. I really want it to be done, but don’t want to rush it,” mirroring my feelings, exactly. Done is, but in the eye of the beholder.
Recommendations:
To read: The End of Romance by Lily Meyer, which is described on the cover as a mashup between Grace Paley and Miranda July, is a fun, fast read that’s helping me get out of my reading rut. I also picked up Dave Eggers’ new book, Contrapposto, yesterday, which i’ve heard nothing but good things about.
To eat: We’re upstate near Hudson this week, and yesterday I took Julian on a lunch outing to Quinnie’s. The chicken salad sandwich, which comes on buttery griddled pullman bread with layers of crispy chicken skin and tons of herbs in the middle is perhaps the best sandwich I’ve had in years. Ever? Worth a detour if you’re nearby!
Kids’ storage: We have the Hay Color Crate in many sizes and colors for art supplies, toys, and other paper goods. It’s stackable, cute colors, and flat packs when not in use.
Versatile fun sneakers: I have a pair of these Flower Mountain sneakers, which come in fun colorways and have deep treads, making them double as good hiking or trail running shoes. Expensive but comfortable and sorry but far superior to the ubiquity of Hokas and New Balance everywhere. (The kids’ ones are also so cute). Jacob also has a pair of the men’s style.
Fidget: This absolutely mind-defying 3D printed fidget that Julian requested as a prize for finishing 5 chapter books on our family summer reading challenge. He likes to walk around telling people “it is definitely worth $9.99 plus tax on Etsy.” The entire industry of 3D printed fidgets is maximally 2026.
To watch: This video about the closing of the American Wood Column Company that I first saw on the NYT, which is shutting down after 110. File under: The Devastating Loss of Artisanal Crafts.
To watch: This absolutely devastating and beautiful video from SubwayTakes where Young Han, a Korean cab driver, takes Kareem to bear mountain for the day.
Recs, please: What have you read / watched / listened to, that’s moved you lately?
Thank you SO MUCH for that Kareem/Young/Bear Mountain suggestion, Youngna. It gave me all the feels, and I never would have found it without your wonderful sub suggestions. The world is full of magical people, you and your writing included!
This sounds uncannily like my Spring, except sub your elementary school kids with my college kids and an elementary school graduation with a college graduation and now you have the jenga of musical rooms when your oldest moves back home while we still try to preserve an office while the younger one is still in college. Whew!