What do kids think adulthood is?

Definitely not getting to do whatever you want

One of my kids’ common refrains in times of frustration or perceived unfairness is to exclaim that “it’s not fair that adults get to do whatever they want.” Julian says this in response to coming out of his bedroom at 11 p.m. in a tired stupor, unable to sleep, when he sees us on the couch watching a movie. “Why do adults just watch movies and drink wine while kids have to sleep?,” he asks, implying the injustice.

Ada’s similar, but more nuanced sentiment, is to scoff at the things I “make” her do. These include standard issue responsibilities such as taking showers, brushing hair and teeth, and unpacking her backpack. The bar is frankly pretty low, but the level of disdain can be truly high. “How would you feel if someone told YOU what to do all day?,” she exclaims with exasperation. 

My kids, who supposedly don’t do what they want, eating popsicles in a fort with their feet on the furniture.

Both of them are referring to how they’d rather spend their time and energy, and the feeling of having actual choice. Kids have alarmingly little autonomy, and one of the in-vogue approaches the parenting world offers up to get our children to believe they have choice is to always present multiple (pre-approved) options. “Do you want carrots or broccoli for dinner tonight?,” “do you want the green socks or the blue socks?” is the way we’re taught to offer alternatives, so the child can pick one and not feel it forced upon them. 

As the kids get older, of course, there are more opportunities for autonomy. When we’re home, aside from limits around iPad time and not letting them use the oven and sharp knives, there aren’t actually that many limits to what they can do or play with. But actual just “chill out at home time,” is generationally, at a real dearth, and my kids, like many others, are quite scheduled, more as a result of patchwork childcare needs than out of a philosophy of believing in a robust extracurricular schedule. 

The “when I’m an adult, I will do what I want” sentiment from the POV of a 6 and 8 year old includes activities such as: 

• Eating as much candy as desired at all hours of the day. 

• Not having to clean their room. 

• Not having to do boring things. 

• Getting to buy whatever they want, whenever they want. 

• Getting to eat all the Cheetos in one go. 

• Getting to make as much slime as desired. 

• Getting to roller skate as long as they want. 

• Staying up until — shocker — midnight. 

• Getting to wear glitter eye shadow every day. 

• And drinking … non-diet soda. 

The list is, frankly, so laughable in its utter innocence that it’s cute. I think of what actual adulthood is comprised of — the working, the cleaning, the incessant running of errands, the scheduling of childcare and extracurriculars.I think about the number of pointless meetings I’ve sat through in my years, the number of mind-numbing projects I’ve had to devote energy to interspersed between the challenging and creative ones, and the times I gritted my teeth in order to preserve the peace. I think about being the driver who has to stay awake while the kids sleep in the back, the dinners of random cheese and kid leftovers eaten in raccoon-mode after feeding the kids. I think about worrying about money, worrying about war, worrying about school shootings, worrying about the kids going on TikTok, wondering what it will be like when the kids realize that anything but childhood is actually a lot harder and more encumbered by norms, expectations, deep judgement, and having to make choices while not presented with great options.  

Today is picture day at school and the kids were indoctrinated with the idea that they really needed to look their personal best. Julian wore a blue button down shirt and jeans and volunteered to wash his face. (LOL). I suggested a few tops to Ada, reminding her that the photo cuts off at the chest. She referred to my suggestions as “boring adult ideas” and put on a flowing one-piece flowery jumper, three necklaces, a checkered tank top, a hot pink cardigan, and started to go for the eye shadow, which is where I drew the line. 

I simultaneously got why everything about my POV was extremely boring and expected, and deeply envied the freedom with which she saw her “personal best.” While kids often lack the power of decision-making, they are infinitely less encumbered by expectation, first and foremost the one of following utter convention. “Don’t I look amazing?” Ada asked, as she batted her eyelashes and swished her hair around, wearing the aforementioned ensemble. “You do,” I said, thinking of how in this moment, she seemed like the freest child in the world, who gets to do, whatever the eff she truly wants.

Recommendations:

• Related reading: “Does Anyone Feel Like An Actual Adult?” by Kathryn Jezer-Morton for The Cut.

• To bake: This banana bread circa 2008 from Molly Wizenberg aka Orangette has been my long-time go-to. I sub buttermilk for the water, maple syrup for the honey, and 1/2 a cup of almond flour for the AP.

• Newsletters I’m excited about:

  • Clare de Boer’s “The Best Bit” with so many incredible-looking recipes. de Boer is the chef-owner of Stissing House (so good!), King, and Jupiter. (via Lexi Mainland)

  • The Green Spoon, the new newsletter from Fanny Singer (daughter of Alice Waters) and Greta Caruso, who both have deep backgrounds in food and sustainability on “inspiration and gentle guidance in the family kitchen,” aka how to cook for the whole fam and get the kids to eat more delicious things.

  • My friend Mollie Chen’s newsletter, Checking In, is on Substack now! She is a fount of amazing recs on kid-stuff, what to cook, excursions in and around the city, books + more.

• To eat: Häagen Dazs Coffee Chip is a sleeper hit! Kids voted it even better than mint chip and cookies n’ cream.

• Pie time: Petee’s Pie is my favorite place in NY if you’re going to order a pie. Personal picks include the Black Bottom Almond Chess and the Sour Cherry Crumb.

• To Listen: Excited for Too Much Money, the new podcast from Jo Piazza and Doree Shafrir on stories about people who have more money than they know what to do with.

• To watch: Jacob’s out of town for two weeks (aka I can’t go anywhere after bedtime) so catching up on lots of movies.

  • Bottoms: I <3 Ayo Edibiri. This was not totally my sense of humor and felt a bit like a very long SNL skit, but appreciate the deep commitment to satire.

  • Past Lives: Loved this much-lauded film by Celine Song as much as I thought I would. Greta Lee is incredible. So much both said and unsaid and loved the contrast between Korean-Korean and American-Korean.

  • Joy Ride: Goes hand-in-hand with Bottoms in terms of raunchy girl-friendship comedies. A fun light, watch with four Asian women friends on a trip of discovery, adventure, and friendship-testing through China.

• Currently reading:

  • The Vulnerables by Sigrid Nunez, the new novel from one of my faves, told from the lens of a female writer, considering what it’s like to be alive in this moment in time.

  • Reminder there are tons of book recs and holiday shopping guides for the kiddos on the Kids Book Recs Bookshop.org shop.

December is fast-approaching and curious if eveyrone is overwhelmed by gift guides or would appreciate them. Was thinking of 1. Toys for kids 2. Thoughtful gifts for anybody 3. My fave things from year that I would love to give or get 4.? LMK!