Truth and Lies

More questions than answers

Kids are, if anything, brutal in their honesty and direct in their speech. They’re emotional to a fault. They’re volatile. They make generalized statements about what they hate and what they love. They state their grand, unfulfillable plans—to dive to the bottom of the Mariana Trench, to rappel off the side off the side of a building after stealing the Hope Diamond, to be the first person to live on Mars—and though these aspirations are arguably overblown, their intentions are earnest and ambitious in equal measures, and so we accept these as good-natured and wishful. There’s very little done at the intentional expense of others.

Their lies are about whether or not they ate the candy when the wrappers provide clear evidence. It’s about crumbs in the bed, or what time they went to bed at the sleepover. It’s about whether or not they finished their homework or shampooed their hair. It’s all so damn benign, so chastising—or even calling them out for these little yarns, often feels like misspent energy.

wow there are so many synonyms for “lie”

In this way, it feels kids are so obviously the most human. Their responses and aspirations know no automation. Their lies have so little punch and so little malice. They don’t have the years of social norming to respond to anything with canned or cliched responses. When a friendly neighbor says hi to Julian in the elevator of our building and he is absolutely not in the mood for chit chat, he will just reply, “No thanks,” which is hilariously asocial but also extraordinarily…honest.

A grown man who is petulant and irrational is told he is acting like a toddler. Our president, for example, has every symptom of the Terrible Twos. He’s defiant and regressive. He seeks constant attention and reassurance. He wants this. He wants that. He wants everything all at once and also nothing at all. He’s the Veruca Salt of presidents. But, Veruca is a child who wants a golden goose egg in a movie and he is not.

Also direct in his speech to the point of being blunt, he is emotional and volatile, irrational, making and then walking back on grand plans. But, his are very much at the expense of others and one could easily argue this is megalomania, not child-like behavior.

I’ve been considering about how much we talk about truth, honesty, and lies, and how you explain this to your children. Who is telling what? When is lying okay? How do you know? Which omissions are lying and which are self-preservation? Is there lying for good? For protection? Who get to determine who is ready to know what? Is that what parenting just is sometimes?

When Julian lost his front tooth last week and the tooth fairy (Jacob, usually) forgot to show up, I smuggled a $2 bill and a post-it note into his bed while trying to cause a diversion the following morning. Ada watched the entire set of events unfold from the top bunk. When Julian asked why the tooth fairy hadn’t taken the tooth, Ada looked me directly in the eyes and said, exuberantly: “Julian, that’s so rare! That’s good luck.”

We were enthusiastically lying together—to preserve some fable of childhood. Ada perceived herself as doing a good deed because the maternal instinct is to make magic, and she has this instinct in abundance.

What about lying by omission? That everything is fine. Is this a coup or is it not a coup if I am describing coup-like actions? How much do you believe what you hear and if the kids hear it too, then how do you verify what version they should also believe? What information do you consume, and from which sources, and which hypothesis or analysis is believably informed? I am deeply aware of wanting to believe the least harmful narrative and relay the most reassuring version of the story that I find palatable. To find silver linings in the storm, that turn into lies to myself, while telling myself it’s compartmentalization. It’s the version that still allow me daily productivity and focus, the ones that allow us to still have fun playing board games after dinner, the ones that allow us all to carry on and experience laughter and joy.

(This is the part where I could quote Joan Didion but won’t.)

We find ourselves clarifying the definitions of “unprecedented” and “un-presidential” to the kids. Very, very different. They nod, trying to understand what seem like abstractions.

“Is it true that Trump is testing the limits of his power?” Julian asks, both shirtless and front tooth-less from the kitchen island, while eating a bowl of dry cereal. He’s overheard this from a teacher after school and is regurgitating the line.

“Well, it seems like it,” I say.

“What does that even mean?” he asks. “Like, what power?”

He thinks up the various villains he’s encountered in movies and television in his seven year old life. “Is he like Shadow in Sonic the Hedgehog?” Shadow is the dark and brooding antihero who claims to want to save the world, but actually hates humanity.

“Yes, kind of.” It’s an apt enough analogy. I am tired of thinking of all the ways to say very little while thinking about so much.

“But does he win?” he asks.

“It’s hard to know,” I say. It’s the closest version of the truth I have.

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Recommendations for this bleak mid-winter

• To read: Jason Kottke wrote yesterday why he’s focusing his programming at Kottke.org on covering said coup. I’ve found his site, which is truly independent, to be a valuable source for vetted information, if you are in desperate need of one.

• To download: If you are a person who deeply hates phone calls (it me), and struggles with what to say when calling various politicians about the potpurri of issues at hand, then download the app 5calls. Based on your location, it helps provide scripts, phone numbers, and relevant reps/congress members to get in touch with and makes calling 10,000% less hard.

• To cook: I made Ali Slagle’s crisp gnocchi with sausage and peas (NYT Cooking gift link) last night and it’s a banger. Added a little heavy cream and used white wine for half the water per the notes. Let that gnocchi crisp up!!!!

the aforementioned gnocchi

• Treat yourself: Consider ordering cookies from this large list of trans girl scouts.

• To visit (with caveats): My friend invited me to sauna + cold plunge at Othership in Flatiron and it was the most profoundly Gen Z experience of my life. If you like to be coached through your cold plunges and a highly social bathhouse experience, this may be just for you. (tl;dr: felt great, weird vibes!) Also read: The Cult of Wellness (a good piece about the Othership empire)

• To listen: Middlebrow, hosted by comedians Brian Park and Dan Rosen. This, to me, is the perfect random banter podcast, for when you can’t like… deal with more political analysis.

• Life upgrade: I got this magnetic 2-in-1 watch/phone charger from Belkin and honestly WORTH EVERY CENT. Honestly, what the hell was I doing before?

• Yay: Mac Barnett was just named the New National Ambassador for Young People’s Literature, an annual appointment by The Library of Congress. He also wrote this terrific piece for the NYTimes about the under-appreciated and little known Italian children’s book author, Gianni Rodari, some of whose works are being published posthumously by Enchanted Lion.

• Currently Reading: Catalina by Karla Cornejo Villavicencio about a young, undocumented Ecuadorian woman at Harvard, struggling to navigate social structures given her status. Terrific.

• Reading with the kids: The Inquisitor’s Tale, Or, The Three Magical Children and their Holy Dog by Adam Gidwitz, an epic set in 1242 France, told from the perspectives of a rotating cast of characters at an inn about epic adventures, religious turmoil, medieval France, and a good dose of magic. A fun if slightly complex read-aloud.

• To do: Tickets for the NY International Children’s Film Festival are now on sale We have historically loved the shorts programs and this year Michel Gondry has a new film out as well.

And, I’d love to talk if you have strong feelings about these topics: For any below, email me at youngna[at]gmail[dot]com:

• People with strong POVs about LinkedIn: I read Anna Wiener’s piece, The Insidious Charms of the Entrepreneurial Work Ethic, which (in addition to being a book review) touches on a topic that’s really wormed its way into my brain: the style of “sanitized professional chatter” that’s taken over LinkedIn. (If you have extremely strong feelings about how people speak / self-narrativize / generally behave on LinkedIn, I’d love to chat.

• Tween beauty enthusiasts: I’d also love to talk to you and your tweens about skincare/beauty products. This is not a skewer piece! I really want to understand what the tween/teens like (and why). Looking for parents/kids of 8-13 year olds (any gender), and also would love to know if you’ve consulted derms or doctors about any products your kids use.

• Are your kids very different and yet share a bedroom? How do you make it work? From both a practical (like how are you actually setting up the room? Any tips and tricks? Organizers). How do you create space for each child’s interests?

Rec of the week:

Send me all your weekday breakfast ideas that are not smoothies or yogurt bowls. We need some new inspiration!!!