At yoga class the other day my mat was positioned behind a recent Princeton grad and adjacent to a mother and daughter—also a junior at at Princeton. The two young women made this realization before class started, and immediately started chatting, discussing their majors (religion and history), their advisors (a “brilliant” but not super personable type) and how they had both grown up in the neighborhood and were happy to be back for a bit. They delighted in the coincidence of it all, while I couldn’t help but think of myself as closer to their mothers than them, in terms of current life position, and age, startling in its own right.
The mother of the college student seemed to observe her daughter conversing in a way that usually happened outside her view. A meeting of a college peer, discussion around a thesis and a class, intellectual and reflective of her nearly total independence, her world away from home. She was careful not to interrupt or even make direct eye contact, but she was also clearly proud. Look at this kid having this conversation, her face seemed to say. It reminded me of moments of pause when you realize your kid can do something entirely without you, cemented as real only when they externalize it to someone else.
This happened in December watching Ada play the piano at her first recital. It was not actually the piano-playing part that was the most prideful, though I was impressed with her persistence at getting her song just right for the concert and the lack of nagging that it required in the months leading up to it. The practicing was the part that I had witnessed, so the aptitude did not surprise me. It was the strutting up to the grand piano in front of the audience with her head up (and beret on), her level of focus while at the piano, and her confident bow and smile at the end. Both slowly and quickly she had gone from kid-who-won’t-go-into-dance-class-alone to kid-performing-recital-in-front-of-75-people, and I hadn’t quite seen the composure part of it coming.
There are a lot of memes and quotes about not realizing its your last time doing something, or your kid’s last time asking for something—a sentiment that often boils down to being grateful for every mundane (and sometimes annoying) moment as a parent, and living in the present because time moves fast. I rarely mourn the ending of any domestic needs that tie to parental dependency, like the last time I tied a kid’s shoe, or the last time I had to wash the high chair, or the last time I had to chase my unwieldy toddler on their scooter because they didn’t have the awareness to stop at the corner. Those are just part of the role, part of protection.
But there’s the other ineffable part of parenting, with less direct cause and effect, that’s rewarding only at the end, because you didn’t see that it was a thing your kid was growing towards. It’s the becoming that is happening at school or at camp or with friends or with the piano teacher, in the seams that you never get to see. And then one day, it just presents itself, as a very mature conversation or a state of presence or performance, so very fully formed.
Recommendations:
What I’ve read since December:
When We Cease to Understand the World by Benjamin Labutet: This one had been on my list since it was nominated for the Booker Prize a few years back. Labutet explores the links between genius, madness, greatness and destruction through stories based around mathematical and scientific discoveries. The writing is gorgeous, but the blurry line between fiction and non-fiction is a bit disorienting.
Terrace Story by Hilary Leichter: My last and one of my favorite reads of 2023, about a woman who can expand the spaces she goes into, and the mixed blessing of superpowers also being a great form of loneliness. Loved the writing, loved the structure, loved the premise.
The Sorrows of Others by Ada Zhang: A collection of stories that explores Chinese / American / Chinese-American identity and people seeking meaningful connection.
So Late in the Day: Stories of Women and Men by Clare Keegan: I jumped on the Clare Keegan train at the end of last year and her slim collections are real nuggets of perfect prose. This one looks at the specific dynamics that play out between men and women in three unique—but also ordinary—life situations.
Also to read: The Shareable Feast of Jeremy Allen White’s Calvin Klein Ad by Jennifer Wilson [New Yorker]
What I’ve watched since December:
Sick of Myself: This black comedy by Kristoffer Borgli looks at a couple, who are in an unhealthy and competitive relationship with one another and are willing to go to literally sickening lengths to get more attention. 3/5 stars.
All of Us Strangers: Elegant, heartbreaking, beautiful + Paul Mescal and Andrew Scott. A quieter film than I’d be expected, but as poignant in its silence as in its dialogue. 5/5 stars.
Leave the World Behind: Wanted to love this but even this star-studded cast (Julia Roberts, Ethan Hawke, Mahershala Ali, etc.) can’t save this train wreck based on the Rumaan Alam novel. 1.5/5 stars
Anatomy of a Fall [Trailer here]: This French courtroom drama focuses on the death of a French man and his wife who is suspected of the murder. They have a blind son, whose testimony becomes critical to the case. Truly masterful screenwriting and an examination of the power of narrative and the flaws of legal systems. 5/5 stars
Saltburn: Didn’t hate it, didn’t love it. Ada keeps asking to watch it. (LOL) The NYT rips it apart. 3/5 stars
Good Grief: Dan Levy’s new Netflix film about a man whose husband passes away suddenly, and looks to his who best friends as he goes on his journey of grief and processing. The writing/acting are pretty mediocre despite my high hopes for this one, but I was glad to discover the paintings of Kris Knight via this movie. 2/5 stars.
To cook: Caramelized Brussels sprouts and Kimchi with rice cakes by Hetty McKinnon from the Tenderheart cookbook. Here’s a photo because I can’t find a recipe online, but Tenderheart is my go-to right now. So many fun ways to use hearty veggies (think: brussels, cabbage, cauli, broccoli) in main-dish ways that are easy and so tasty.
To bake: A pavlova with lemon curd for the first time, which I made for Jacob’s birthday and is the perfect light and festive treat after heavy holiday eating.
To listen: The Witch Trials of JK Rowling. This 7-episode audio doc dives into the world of JK Rowling, and all the the ways she’s both famous and deeply controversial (about her positions on gender, sex, accusations of being a TERF, etc.). Whether or not you’re a Harry Potter fan (i’m not, really, despite being deep in it with the kids), this is a terrifically produced podcast that weaves together the rise of HP, internet culture, cancel culture, and the voices of many on all sides of the conversation.
Rain/winter books for the kiddos: Since it’s apparently never snowing again in NYC, but it now floods…a lot, I was looking for warmer rainboots for the kids. I love these Merry People ankle-height rainboots. Easy on/off, warm enough for snow, comfortable even if it dries up during the day.
I have upcoming trips to Tulum and LA. Send me your recs! LA will be without kids, Tulum will be with kids.
Wow our thoughts on Leave the World Behind and Saltburn were completely identical, down to my star ratings on Letterboxd. Guess this means I have to watch Anatomy of a Fall next!
Thanks as always for your fantastic recs. :)
For LA - Highland Park is fun! Good shops and food. For Tulum - cenotes!