There comes a point when most parents I know dabble with the idea of allowance. Around 5 or 6, the kid wants to be able to buy their own toy/snack/Pokemon cards, the parent wants the kid to have some concept of money, the kid envisions getting rich off of making their bed, and the parent feels assured that the kid will soon gain some perspective on money, while starting to take on the bare minimum responsibilities of being a contributing member of the household.
This begets the questions of: how much allowance, what the allowance is for, and how to dole it out? It is more complicated than it seems. Is it an all or none system? If the kid picks up their toys 3 days a week but not 7, do they get the full amount? Do you pro-rate the chores? Do kids of different ages get different amounts even if they do the same things? Do you take away allowance for poor behavior, or is threatening to take away allowance when you’re literally paying for them to be useful de-motivating in the long-term?
Ada is very motivated by money and likes the beginning stages of considering allowance—that is, the the act of making the list of theoretical things to be done.
Do homework
Clean up toys
Throw out icky trash!
Bring lunch & water bottle [ed note: unpack from backpacks]
Put clothes in the haper
Brush teeth 2x
Put clothes on (and pjs) [ed note: without parents having to ask many times]
The first point of failure is the follow through of the kids, which tends to be mediocre at best. I’ve found it’s largely driven by the kid’s level of motivation to earn money, which varies kid by kid and also tends to have diminishing returns week-over-week. Ada loves money, and thus can be decently motivated to get through her list when her cash flow is low, but her performance is still spotty at best. As she’s accrued more, she’s less likely to do the chores, because she feels she doesn’t need it as much. Julian is completely unmotivated by money, so we end up throwing out other rewards like earning time to play his chess app or Minecraft after school as incentives, which also defeats the point.
I suspect they’d both have more follow through if we acted more like enthusiastic chore coaches, riling them up to earn their daily keep, but to me, this is counter to the allowance chart — that the parent now has a new role, of allowance distributor, scorekeeper, manager, cheerleader. This defeats the original point, to motivate the kid to gradually take on the roles and responsibilities of a functional member of the household, and establish that there are baseline expectations for how one contributes, without creating more work for the adult.
The second point of failure is us—the parents. When there’s no clear system for the nuances of allowance distribution, there’s no clear docking system, and when the kids don’t get the chores done, the parents just end up nagging more. Because it’s on us to enforce said system, then our lack of consistency is their lack of consistency. We all know that new habits are hard for anyone to form, and allowance begs that both kids and adults embrace new habits all at once, making it doubly hard to succeed.
A parent I know with older teens and early twenty-something kids once mentioned that her main goal as a parent was to “raise kids that people enjoy being around.” I think about this all the time, and from that level, most of the items on the allowance-earning chart seem inconsequential. Like most things in life, that don’t get listed out in exchange for a few dollars a week, the kid will probably absorb that at some point, cleaning their room and bringing their plate to the sink after dinner, are small acts that make them nicer people to be around. It’s just annoying that it never seems to happen quite soon enough, and I’m still picking up all the toys off the rug at 9 p.m. every night.
Recommendations:
To eat: the white sesame caesar salad and a fan tuan at Win Son Bakery is one of my ideal solo lunch meals.
To eat: We celebrated my mom’s birthday with dim sum aka dumpling party at Nan Xiang Xiao Long Bao in Flushing and it’s such an ideal place to go with a big mob of kids on a cold winter day. Julian declared it his “favorite meal ever.”
To read: Hello Beautiful by Ann Napolitano, a “modern-day Little Women” story about four tightly bound sisters who experience a rift in their family. A love story, a sibling story, a story of how family trauma weaves its way through. I found it got a bit saccharine and was a little too tied up with a bow for my own taste about 2/3 of the way through but a fun, fast read.
Currently reading: Tomb Sweeping, stories by Alexandra Chang about the loyalties we hold to the people around us—and they are really incredible thus far.
To listen: Ava Duvernay on Talk Easy, speaking about her new film, Origin.
To watch: American Fiction, directed by Cord Jefferson: Jeffrey Wright is a delight, the writing is great, the satire loud and clear. [NYT Opinion: The Hidden Lesson of ‘American Fiction’]
Ada is reading (aside from Harry Potter, book 4):
The Sheets, Delicates, Lights graphic novel trilogy by Brenna Thummer about a thirteen year old responsible for her family’s laundry business who befriends a ghost at the laundromat.
Heartstopper 5 by Alice Oseman: the much-awaited fifth book in this very sweet series about two high school boys in love.
Julian is reading:
All of the Anno’s Math Games books (there are three, only available used), by Mitsumasa Anno, which contain a series of logic, pattern, counting, and other conceptual games and are narrated by two wacky jester-like characters Kriss and Kross. "I would say he’s “obsessed with” these more than reading them, LOL.
Where’s Joon? The sequel to Julie Kim’s great book, "Where’s Halmoni?” where little-brother Joon has now gone missing through the magical portal to fix his Halmoni’s pot, and his sister goes on adventure to find him. Incredible illustrations, references to Korean culture and symbolism, fantasy, imagination.
Recommendations, please: what are your favorite newsletters that you actually read every time they are published? None of those I should read its!
After many failed attempts, we finally came up with a system that works and have been using it for over a year with no issues at all. Each kid gets their age in dollars, and then everyone puts $1 into “a jar for good.” We choose a place to donate our jar savings annually at Christmas. My kids are 10, 8 and 5. I anticipate when they get older providing a monthly allowance of a greater amount for social spending with friends. For now though, the small monthly amounts work very well. They have finally grasped the concept that they have to wait to buy a small toy/candy if they don’t have enough money at the moment. Good luck!
I recommend the short book "Money Smart Kids" by Gail Vaz-Oxlade. Her advice is to use allowance to teach money management rather than an earning system. It's an interesting concept at the very least, and even if you don't adopt her system she has great thoughts about kids and money.