Today is Ada’s eighth birthday, a momentous day which also marks seven years to the day, when Trump was elected. Her birthday is the season of it newly being dark at 5:15 p.m., the NYC Marathon, the leaves at peak foliage, of needing to reliably wear a coat. It’s just after the energetic rush of Halloween, the final exclamation point on our family’s five-week stretch of fall celebrations.
Darkness, light. Endings. Beginnings. Highs. Lows.
Last weekend we had her birthday party, a park affair that was meant to be low-key, but as anyone who has ever BYO-Party to the park in NYC with 22 kids, it’s never all that low-key. You have to bring everything you need, which requires a wagon (or two) and probably a folding table. On top of drinks, snacks, cake, paper goods, decor, balloons, and the like, Ada also wanted a piñata, a craft station, a s’mores set-up (over actual hot coals), hot cider, and a treasure hunt. She wanted her strawberry layer cake to be decorated to look like an actual strawberry, specifically with green fondant leaves draping over the edges. Lest you think this excessive, we did kibosh the slime station, the obstacle course, the goodie bags, and the hot dogs.
The weird duality of hosting an all out extravaganza on a beautiful fall day in the park, where the vibrancy of life is fully on stage, is the strange fog of guilt that co-exists with deep gratitude and joy. It’s the fog of feeling powerless in the midst of a genocide, of a different version of processing ongoing debilitating news, of carrying on, when it feels weird to carry on. It’s the duality of thinking about which random trinkets to put in the piñata—slime, keychains, space-themed magnets—and that your kid gets to have a party and a piñata at all (because they get to have an eighth birthday at all).
All the parents I’ve talked to recently have brought up some form of state-of-the-world paralysis with the seeming banality of just continuing on, debating how much to inform their kids about what’s happening, internalizing the news and trying to take action while also hold on to stores of patience and sanity. Some are quitting Instagram and others are keeping the news off. Others are diving deep into podcasts and interviews and quickly becoming more informed about a history this conflict has made clear that a lot of people were very ignorant of (myself included). They’re trying to analyze and intellectualize the many narratives, reconcile them with the fountain of POVs on social media, take it some often-biased news, not be blind, not be ignorant, not be silent, not be inured to the deep suffering.
This is a lot to shoulder while carrying on working and parenting and living and being. It’s a big burden to shoulder while baking a cake and planning a birthday party, but then of course small compared to what those at the center of the conflict experience. It’s weight that you’re not meant to transfer to your child, because it feels as though childhood should remain unburdened—at least to a point, and that even when you’re worrying while eating dinner, you still need to find a way to talk to your kids about their new Minecraft mod or about how the butter slime is better and more satisfying than the fizzy slime.
When I think about the last month, it’s hard to separate what might be the normal exhaustion of throwing multiple birthday parties alongside working/parenting with what feels like the extreme and depleting exhaustion of doing all that while reckoning with perhaps the worst humanitarian crisis of our lifetime. But then—in fact—it’s the mundane daily joys that seem like the primary avenue for hope: Julian singing the Indiana Jones theme song and swaying his hips around before school, Ada waking up to her birthday presents this morning and squealing with delight, the kids walking arm in arm to school, whispering secrets, giggling, and squeezing each other tight before hugging each other goodbye as they part.
Recommendations:
To listen: Three Skills for Staying Calm, Sane, and Open in a Chaotic World. Dan Harris interviews Krista Tippett on the 10 Percent Happier Podcast. A huge treat if you’re a fan of On Being.
To eat: The sardine toast and chicory salad at Place de Fêtes in Clinton Hill. Tiny bites of perfection.
To watch: Fellow Travelers, on Paramount+, featuring Matt Bomer, Jonathan Bailey (from Bridgerton), and Allison Williams in this McCarthy Era romance set during a time when gay government employees were being swept out of the system in the so-called “Lavender scare.” Mad Men level set design, production, and writing. Based on the book by Thomas Mallon.
To wear: The Les Gamins sweatshirt for women. Kinda boxy and cropped, a little stretchy, just the right weight.
To read: “Childhood Independence is a Mental Health Issue” by Kathryn Jezer-Morton in The Cut, about the unintended consequences of parenting hyper-vigilence and what it takes from kids (and other parents and community).
To read: Roman Stories, the new collection of short stories by Jhumpa Lahiri, translated from their original Italian (mostly by her!). Stories of being an outsider in many capacities, all swirling around a city she knows and loves.
To watch: Excited to see Priscilla, the new biopic from Sofia Coppola.
The kids are reading:
Ada: Swim Team by Johnnie Christmas, Angela Carter’s Book of Fairy Tales, The Sea of Terror by Stuart Gibbs and of course we’re deep into Harry Potter.
Julian: The Unfortunate Life of Worms by Noemi Vola (again and again and again).
I’m looking for recs for Thanksgiving! What are your favorite veggie side dishes and pie/dessert recipes!
Unrelatedly, if you do pilates at home, who is your favorite instructor/youtube-r? ‘Til next time.
https://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/food-network-kitchen/chocolate-cherry-lattice-slab-pie-3363580
This chocolate cherry pie is a hit with my family and friends year round. I always do the frozen cherries.
I like Cassey Ho for at home pilates. My friend who is a real life pilates instructor says she is the best.
For at-home pilates: Range by Kara Duval. She offers such a gentle approach; her work is a balm to the soul (while you're also exercising and building strength!)