Kids do not need gifts for every minor holiday

The murky dance between consumption and tradition

We’re heading out of town tomorrow for “winter break,” though break for whom is very debatable. The house is a mess—languishing in the piles of stray Lego and forts made during Tuesday’s mandated NYC remote-school-snowday, an invention of the modern administration that should be swiftly discarded. I haven’t started packing, of course, and need to do the laundry, either before or after picking the kids up from school, while they watch their third movie of the week.

As a function of my to-do list, and other forms of both conscious and unconscious stress, my left eye has developed a stye and a twitch, and I’ve only exacerbating this by falling asleep on the couch in my contacts rewatching Girls season 2 far beyond when I should have put myself to bed most nights this week.

Perhaps because she sensed that I, like the house, have been languishing, Ada chided me this morning for “forgetting to put a love letter” in her lunchbox yesterday for Valentine’s day. I asked if other kids had gotten these from their parents, and she said “yes, of course,” with an air of dismissive disappointment, and also reported that “most” friends had gotten presents in the morning, like jewelry, and fun socks, and cute outfits made for wearing exactly one day a year. I thought about the waffles we had made that morning—like actual waffles with buttermilk in the waffle iron—and how that seemed to not have registered. The fidgets and Sweet Tart hearts and lollipops acquired during the Valentine exchange at school were also “not quite as great as I expected,” by her account, which suggests expectations that have gotten a little out of control.

Whether these are her misbegotten expectations or the expectations set by the combination of overzealous parents and the winds of consumerism, I am never really sure. Of course, at Target / Duane Reade / Walgreens, it is always almost some holiday. If it’s not Halloween, it’s Christmas, then it’s Valentine’s Day, then it’s St. Patrick’s Day, then it’s Easter! Mother’s Day! Father’s Day! Graduation Day! June through October is admittedly a trying time for these retailers, when they have to peddle 4th of July wares for longer than they’d wish, and try and turn pool season into its own pseudo-holiday.

We’re both normalized to the disposability of holiday swag and chronically in its grasp; not partaking—like not doing the easter egg hunt or stuffing the stockings with fidgets or getting the holiday pjs —can feel like the real curmudgeon’s stance, and no parent wants to be the curmudgeonly denier of magic. I also have real memories of wishing for holiday magic I observed around me, that my immigrant parents did not grasp was even a thing. But it often feels like where the complexity lays is where traditions and rituals meet ever intensifying consumption, and the codification of the tradition is peacocking it for others to see. What I mean is: Did matching holiday pajamas even happen if you didn’t post it on Instagram?

Of course, many traditions can take place outside the grasp of the shiny purchaseable objects, but this is often more time-consuming and less convenient, two things parents have in short supply. Yesterday I chose to do take one mom’s one day vacation from a holiday and have a Valentine’s day sans treats from mom, gifts from mom, or fanfare from mom. The elder kid definitely noticed, but I am absolutely not sorry for any of it. After all her complaining, she even gave me a card that she’d made after school that read—aptly—”Thank you for EVERYthing."

Recommendations:

To watch:

• Mr. and Mrs. Smith: This series featuring Donald Glover / Maya Erskine as spies who are married as a condition of their work is part rom-com, part-drama, part spy thrilled. I haven’t watched Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt film version of yore, but thoroughly enjoyed the Glover-Erskine take. (“The Dark Delights of a Millenial Mr. & Mrs. Smith,” New Yorker)

• American Symphony: Celebrated and effervescent musician, Jon Baptiste navigates his wife’s illness while also composing a beautiful new work. More than anything, the deep humanity and empathy of Baptiste and his partner, Suleika Jouaud, shine brightly.

• The Holdovers: Love the 70s stylng and intimate scale of this Alexander Payne gem.

• The Greatest Night in Pop: Imagine getting 40 of the biggest pop musicians together in a recording studio for one night only? (i.e. Michael Jackson, Bruce Springsteen, Tina Turner, Cyndi Lauper, Stevie Wonder, etc etc). Impossible in 2024, but magical and fascinating as big egos have to navigate each other during a collaborative recording of “We Are the World”

• The Secret World of Arrietty (2010): The last of the Miyazaki movies on our list, and a magical one at that. It operates on a very different scale than others like Ponyo or Spirited Away—delightful nonetheless—and is based on The Borrowers by Mary Norton.

To read:

• “The Lure of Divorce” by Emily Gould in The Cut, about experiencing mania , being hospitalized, and the long journey of getting to the brink of divorce (and back). This is the best personal essay I’ve read in a long while, mainly because of how she depicts her complete loss of perspective (alongside her sanity), and then upon regaining it, is able to reconstruct her narrative about what was going on. Really beautiful, beautiful writing.

• “Sofia Coppola’s Path to Filming Gilded Adolescence” by Rachel Syme in the New Yorker

• “What Exactly is the Magic of Disneyworld” by Kathryn Jezer-Morton, from last year, a question I’ve asked and tried to answer many times. I self-identify as a Disney hater, and will never go, but am truly curious about this supposed magic.

• Drifts by Kate Zambreno: intertwining reading / writing / obsessiveness / making and introspection.

• Nightbitch by Rachel Yoder: my current, voracious read, about a mother who imagines she’s turning into a dog. Incredible insights into the psychological state that is early motherhood.

Some very good places I ate in LA:

• Bavel: modern middle eastern, lots of open fire cooking, delicious, delicious cocktails

• Joy on York: Taiwanese, casual, dumplings galore, perfect after a hike

• Kismet: perfect date night scenario, also middle eastern, beautiful breads, veggie-forward.

• Grand Central Market: don’t know the vendor but the pupusas were amazing!

• Jeff’s Table: honestly the best sandwiches I’ve had in recent memory — bread, proportions, flavors. I had the yuzu chicken sandwich and some veggie sandwich with garam masala roasted cauliflower and both were top 5 sandwiches.

• Honey Hi for very fresh, very beautiful (if kinda overpriced breakfast) with edible flowers.

• A very expensive and very delicious mango/coconut smoothie at Erewhon (had to check the hype, no we didn’t have the raw animal smoothie)

• Jitlada for great southern thai, a massive menu, and a strong celebrity-endorsed vibe.

A few minorly life-changing habits of 2024:

• Consciously unsubscribing from 1-2 newsletters or promotional emails a day. My inbox hygiene is peaking.

• Finally got a Yoto player for the kids and it’s really the only audiobook thing that’s ever worked for us.

• Playing Sorry with the kids every night after dinner.

• Restarting my daily vitamin routine. Big fan of Ritual.

• Also being diligent about night oil. I use this Sunday Riley night oil b/c retinols.

Happy Feb break to all who celebrate and godspeed to everyone else just trying to survive the remainder of winter.

Also, recs please: Where do people get their audiobooks from that is not an audible subscription or Libby? Ideally I would have mp3 files I could purchase and download …

And, what boardgames do your kids love and want to play on repeat? Esp if suitable for 6/8 year olds!