Like most parents of young children, bribery is a tool in my everyday arsenal. Despite feeling some degree of guilt and like a normal-but-slightly-debased bad parent in these moments, I rely on bribery in what I assume is an average-to-slightly-above-average amount to get my kids to do otherwise normal things like finish their dinner (dessert!), put on their shoes (gummy bear on the way to school!), not hit each other in the car (watch an episode of something on the iPad!), which is obviously a short-term salve with long-term tradeoffs.
I was comforted by this approach in a conversation with a friend—a longtime elementary school teacher—who reminded me (based on a study she’d read in grad school) that bribery is 1) completely normal 2) often quite effective and that 3) adults / humans with autonomy “treat themselves” to things all the time as incentives for getting things done in daily life whereas children have no power to do this.
For example, a standard ‘reward” I give myself is an afternoon walk listening to podcasts while going to get myself a cookie or iced coffee around 4 p.m. after plowing through many hours of meetings/work. Or, getting fresh cut flowers on a Friday because goddamnit, I deserve them, or so I tell myself.
Children, however, have no such power, as parents wield most access and ability to have treats—whether this be ice cream, a toy, screentime, extra ketchup, etc—so the ask for reward becomes both explicit and and a dependent power dynamic often tied to behavior.
Ada, as a rules-obsessed Type A first child with an intrinsic sense of tabulating everything and making verbal determinations around fairness is extremely motivated by external validation. When she was two we said she could pick out new undies in exchange for potty training. Boom. Potty training—done! I said she could get a Lego set for trying out a chess tournament. Registration—done! She can play Spelling Bee after she cleans her room before her playdate. Done! While there’s some negotiation around the exact exchange, and we try not to lean on this too much, she reliably does the thing, recognizes when something should also…just be done, and anticipates and cherishes the object of the bribery.
Julian, however, doesn’t give a f*ck what you think about what he should do. Some of this you could chalk up to being four, but I attribute more of it to his personality and seeming absence of care or need for any external validation. Potty training took no less than two years despite charts, routines, and offers of literally anything thing we could think of that might entice him (a Beatles t-shirt, poisonous mushroom hat!). No, no, and no. It’s just going to happen on his own damn time.
We’re currently five weeks in to a wretched sleep cycle in which Julian is afraid of something very ambiguous that exists in his room. He says it’s the bottom bunk, the wall next to the bottom bunk, ghosts under the bunk, and refuses to even go in the bed. On a slippery slope of desperation, we told him he could sleep in a sleeping bag on our floor OR even on the couch in the living room. OR on a daybed in my office, which is very sub-ideal but better than nothing. So many choices! But he now wakes us up multiple times a night with rambling soliloquies about his fears and the multiple choices have backfired into him becoming nighttime nomad.
He says he doesn’t want to sleep on the couch or in the sleeping bag or in his bed, he says, at 3 a.m. again and again in as many ways as a four year old can muster. Last night, exasperated and exhausted, Jacob yelled, “BUT WHAT DO YOU WANT! JUST SAY WHAT YOU WANT! JUST SAY IT!” We are ready to bribe you, we imply, as clearly as we can. “JUST SLEEP!” But he can’t actually say what he wants so he just stammers around, in and out of our bedroom again and again, talking about the ghosts and portals and darkness and the problem with all the beds and in the morning, he looks up with his big brown eyes and says, “Tonight, tonight I will try again.”
Recommendations for the kids:
Snail mail: Have your kid send a grandparent a card in the mail. Ada did this for my dad’s birthday and the delight was much greater than anticipated. It was even a store bought card! Joy for days!
Sandals: These $8.00 Cat & Jack faux Birkenstock sandals from Target are my summer go-tos for the kids. My kids have these and a pair of Natives and we’re pretty good till the fall.
Summer PJs: Of course we also love Hanna Anderson’s summer PJs but the lightest weight, stretchiest short sleeve faves are these from the Korean brand Avavuma (only on Amazon, sorry).
In-home music lessons: Bungalow Music School for in-home music lessons for kids. Ada’s been doing voice lessons and it’s very adorable!
Graphic Novels: Re-reading Sara Varon’s gems. My kids love Robot Dreams and Bake Sale and refer to details in them constantly.
Recommendations for grown-ups:
Read: This review in Polygon mag of Conversations with Friends, which I think is a pretty on-point analysis of its failings, the lack of any palpable desire between Frances and Nick, the stilted friendship between Bobbi and Frances, and so on. Obvs I still watched it though!
Eat: The chocolate chip cookies at Baba Cool in Fort Greene. I can’t attest to whether they are always delicious, but they were exquisitely delicious if you happen to be in the ‘hood.
Listen: The two part series on the Maintenance Phase podcast about the problem with calories, calorie labeling, public policy around weight loss and much more. (Part 1, Part 2). Fascinating and health “science” is bonkers!
Currently reading: I Love You But I’ve Chosen Darkness by Claire Vaye Watkins, continuing on with my literary theme of the year, aka “I’m conflicted about motherhood”
See you next week. (And still welcome tips on how to get my four year old back in his own bed!)
I'm trying to bribe you
The Snail Mail reco also works wonders for keeping up the long-distance auntie/uncle connection with little niece & nephew. We try to send lots of delightful cards or goodies or treats in fun packaging, and they love it, but almost mostly I think it's the AMAZEMENT that SOMETHING ARRIVED FOR THEM IN THE POST!!
Also, shout-out to your Modern Letter Project back in the day, I love real snail mail :)
Sorry to hear about the sleep problems/ghosts! I wonder if your son is scared of sleeping by himself? Would your older kid be up for a roommate for a while? Idk the age difference/personality dynamic so this could be a terrible idea.