Does abundance make it harder to develop grit?
Attempting to manufacture scarcity in a consumerist world
We have this recurring scene in our house where our kids only want one of four things for dinner. We already resent the fact they’re not eating the chicken noodle soup that Jacob made because they’ve liked it in the past, then one declares they hate chicken and the other declares they hate soup altogether. The batch is extra large with the idea that there will be leftovers that we can freeze and the kids can enjoy at a later date. Some low level of rage ensues about the wasted food, the time and effort that went into the soup-making, the belief that when we were kids we would have had to eat the soup, and the knowledge that when our parents and parents’ parents were kids, they would have not only enjoyed, but deeply appreciated that goddamn soup.
Jacob and I end up eating the soup while the kids probably eat a cheese quesadilla, then the soup goes into multiple Tupperwares. We eat a few lunches then get bored of the bloated noodles, then the rest of the soup languishes in the fridge for a few months before someone has the wherewithal to dump out the sludge. We have a recurring conversation that comes down to frustration around food waste, setting new rules, requiring the kids at least taste the foods we make, about not accommodating them, about trying to manufacture some actual food scarcity, then leaving feeling like we’re running on a hamster wheel because the scarcity isn’t real and the snack drawer is quite full.
Here’s the thing. Whether it’s food, or really—anything you can buy—we live in a world that suggests immense abundance. Of course, there are many tiers to the idea of abundance and many, many people are systemically deprived of this abundance. By this I mean any disposable income, food security, access to health care, access to clean water, housing, quality education, etc. But, here i’m specifically talking about the abundance of two things that I think have shifted our sense of value-building in kids.
The first is the ready availability of consumer goods that make our kids perceive that any thing they want is very accessible, whether it’s toys, books, candy. Aka, Amazon and all e-commerce. The second is information, which includes music, movies/tv, gaming, and Google, which makes the idea of being entertained or engaged at all times (i.e. no boredom allowed) an ever-present thing.
I think this abundance—of goods and information—is at odds with a bigger idea that middle and upper-middle-class parents have been fixated for a few decades. This is the idea of building grit, made a particularly hot topic after the 2013 TED talk by Angela Lee Duckworth* which in theory requires some degree of nurture to develop resilience and goals in the face of adversity in order to develop.
So then enter a generation of kids who will have little experience of long and real periods of boredom, kids who grow up in a climate where the parental norm is to shield from adversity as much as possible (not that everyone doesn’t have their own reasonable share), and kids whose perception is that stuff and options are abundant, immediate and highly disposable. Parents are thirsty to create some circumstances of scarcity that will ultimately ensure the values, that felt more inherent in our own, simpler childhoods.
Part of what we’re nostalgic for is a generationally different way of being parented that now feels essential to our own character-building. This might be afternoons unsupervised riding your bike around town. Hours playing by the stream without a parent. Having to drive to the mall to get new shoes and then trudge around while your mom ran errands. It might be having no money and having to get a paper route when you turned ten. It might be having to stick with violin because it was the only means to a scholarship, or feeling the unspoken pressure to excel in school for the same reason. It might be having to invent games in the car to play with your siblings on the 12 hour drive to your aunt’s house, because there was no Spotify and no iPad to watch. These were norms more than choices and now that we have so many choices it’s unclear whether we want to accept the new norms.
I think the result is—ironically—often doubling down on (often costly or purchase-able) ways of investing in “character-building activities.” (Also cue: extracurriculars) This can be anything from trying making them stick with costly music lessons (persistence), or taking them on long hikes (they WILL enjoy the outdoors!) to taking them to see the philharmonic (develop comfort dealing with boredom and failure). None of these are new activities to do with kids, but my hunch is that the mentality with which we approach them has shifted significantly to expect some longer-term ROI.
So what’s the “answer” here? The things that come to mind for me are intentionally enmeshing my kids in environments where this abundance—and the systemic abundance—isn’t a given, making daily choices to be less of a consumer, attempting to de-program their time, encouraging boredom, and so on. But I will admit to not really knowing how to individually navigate a structure and norm that exists on a societal level. Because the onus then really falls to us—individual parents—to succeed or fail at one more thing.
*Duckworth’s TED talk has also been widely critiqued as having tremendous limitations around her simultaneously somewhat reductive view of grit that also seems to bias its role in success.
Just a few recommendations
I haven’t yet but am very excited to bake Carolina Gelen’s Chocolate Coffee Crumb Cake and also this Double Ginger Sticky Toffee Pudding from Bon Appetit
I did bake these delicious and flaky buttermilk biscuits. The secret is to GRATE THE FROZEN BUTTER. Sorry for the extremely long SEO optimized recipe link.
This heartbreakingly beautiful episode of Death, Sex & Money with Hrishikesh Hirway (musician and host of Song Exploder) about grieving and losing his mother and the music he created in the wake of her death.
The wild rice salad with cashews, coconut and pomelo from Carla Lalli Music’s cookbook That Sounds So Good which is my favorite and most-used of the last few years if you’re looking for fresh ideas or a holiday gift.
Julian has had like 12 pairs of these Target Cat & Jack double knee patch pants for toddler boys and they are the hardest working pants I know. Very sad he’s growing out of their biggest size.
Ada was gifted Let’s Make Ramen, a very cool ramen comic book cookbook, and is obsessed with it.
Lastly, my birthday is on Saturday, and my ask is that you make a donation to the ACLU or any number of organizations working on the many pressing issues from boting rights to reproductive freedom. If you make a donation and send me a copy of the receipt (youngna (at) gmail (dot) com) before 10/31, I’ll match donations up to $500.
Happy Halloween to those celebrating!
Yes this this this. Yet another way in which I know I need to do better. I am much to quick to jump in and suggest different play or things to do. My oldest still gets annoyed when packages aren’t for him...I mean, what is that??
I've been thinking about this so much.
Along with what you've mentioned, I want to travel with him. Whether it's domestic or international - it's such a cliche but it's really true that some of the best learning is done through seeing how other people live and experiencing different cultures. And, when he's old enough, doing more volunteer work at soup kitchens, senior centers, animal shelters, etc.
RE: Cat & Jack pants, we loved those as well. The price is great and they hold up. There's been a period of a few years where I was patching up knees but at 8 years old that's tapering off. So I got nothing in terms of recommendations for other pants but there is an end to the holey knees!