Are we all just pretending our children like extracurriculars?

Why we can't let our kids be bored

Nine months ago I wrote an essay about the toddler extracurricular complex and my disdain for the social pressure and competition to participate in a very expensive cycle of weekly 30-60 minute activities in which it’s unclear if anyone is having fun or actually learning anything. It’s a topic I can’t stop thinking about, as my kids both get older and the options get wider and the world opens up to be their extracurricular oyster. Who gets to participate and who wants to participate? Why do we think so many children want to do ballet? Does it count as an extracurricular if I take my kid to Trader Joe’s? 

In a standard playground conversation with the parents of Ada’s classmates, it quickly comes out that their children are spending anywhere from three to all seven days of the week at different scheduled activities. There’s ballet, gymnastics, art classes, soccer, fencing, swimming, piano, vocal lessons, skateboarding, chess, and many more esoteric things that make me wonder if we’re already seeding college applications. One mother comments that piano would be the last to go, and the other adds that for her daughter, it’s gymnastics. I think about Ada and how she would prefer to be at home building Legos or making homemade zines about gems. I also think about why I’m comparing my children, who are 4 and 6, and what this means about me, them, and the slice of New York we all live in.

“It’s $3500 for the year including the end-of-year performance,” one mom describes, of her daughter’s weekly dance classes, but the teacher is really wonderful. I think about trying to get to the other side of Brooklyn for these classes, and who is taking her after school, and what happens when you sign up for the year but then after the second class the kid decides they hate it, as my kids have done more than once. 

Last week Storq’s newsletter shared a link to an article by Michaleen Doucleff, a reporter for NPR who looked into the very western/American orientation to packing our kids’ schedules with activities. She is referring to both structured extracurricular activities as well as kid-centric activities, i.e. planning your whole day around going to the playground, play dates (that don’t also involve an adult friendship), children’s museums—places you would only be because you have a child and are designed to maximize your child’s engagement. She goes on to break down this highly propagated myth that lives packed with activities and extracurriculars help kids learn best, and suggests a different path instead: 

Instead of signing up a child for a bunch of activities, wait for them to ask to participate or to show a genuine interest in that activity. For young kids, being with you while doing chores or hobbies is more than enough entertainment — and teaches them how to be a good family member.

I nod my head because I like this in theory, and know that I have also critiqued my own spouse for entertaining the kids by taking them to the grocery and hardware store on many weekends. What compels me to think they’re better off at soccer and rock climbing than riding around in the cart at Trader Joe’s?

It all feels one narrow step away from the productivity-slashed-internalized-capitalism trap of adulthood that we’ve spent so much time trying to unwind the last few years, the one that Jenny Odell wrote about so eloquently in How to do Nothing. We seem to accept that adults need to grapple with our fractured attention spans and turn away from our orientation of constantly needing to get things done/prove self-worth through the things we do and do “nothing”—things that help hone one’s sense of awareness and solace (bird watching , long nature walks, etc). Yet, what are we teaching kids when they come to expect engaging, scheduled activities day-in and day-out?

My unconfirmed belief is that we want to nurture boredom and free play, but there’s 1) a deep insecurity of that boredom being unproductive and 2) a lot of societal guilt for not centering your children. There’s an urgency for our children’s time to be edifying in a way that a parent can comprehend: for a parent to see that their child has some clearly directed proclivity or passion or exposure to novelty, as though they’re all sitting there waiting for their untapped potential to be discovered. Scheduling activities are a way for parents to feel good about their child’s curiosity being actively nurtured, for them to know their kid is learning how to make/do/hustle, which feels much less risky than chancing your kids to actual boredom and letting them find their own way in this crazy and chaotic world.

Recommendations for the kids

• To read: Elise Gravel’s newest, Pink, Blue, and You! Questions for kids about Gender Stereotypes. Gravel has a knack for accessing kids’ brains through pointed and simple language, vibrant illustrations, and humor.

• Having some talks: Bloom Science playbooks are modern, age-appropriate books on bodies, sex, boundaries, babies, secrets and more for kids from 5-10. Super excited to work through these with the kids. They also curate collections of sex-ed books for kids 4+.

• Best kid-pleaser dessert: Butter mochi have become all the rage in the last few years (I grew up eating them called “sweet rice cake”). This is my go-to recipe, but I halve the sugar and use 4 eggs instead of 5.

Recommendations for the grown-ups:

• Underwear: I finally gave in to the barrage of Instagram ads and bought ThirdLove underwear and I hate to say it, but they are great.

• Home decor: In an effort to add pops of color to our home, I couldn’t resist these Chiazzo wall hooks which are equal parts functional and sculptural. I can’t decide if we should hang them as art or actual hooks?

• Rugs: I’ve spent an unreasonable amount of time looking at Moroccan and Turkish rugs in the last two weeks and finally did get a Berber runner from Hasna Rugs on Etsy.

• Wearable art: These block print sweatshirts and tees from artist Lila Jarzombek.

• Book Mysteries: @myoldbooks is an amazing children’s book account that also helps readers hunt down and identify books from their childhood whose titles they’ve forgotten based on vague details from their memory.

• Eating out alone: While the fam was in Florida two weeks ago, I went to Edith’s Eatery & Grocery in W’burg for a solo brekkie and it hit all my smokey, vinegary, fresh bread needs. Also stop by their sandwich counter down the street for their cold brew-tahini-oat milk slushie (!!!).

That’s all for this week. Stay warm and happy almost daylight savings.

P.S. Last week’s newsletter has a link to organizations raising funds and resources for Ukraine.